Kokura Castle from a reflecting.

It was there when you were in high school and you spent too much time playing video games instead of studying for your algebra test. It was there when you decided to go watch a movie instead of doing research for the lame british lit paper you had to do on famous female authors. It was there when you were ironing your shirt five minutes before you had to be out the door to be ontime for work. Your worst enemy – time. You know that song. “Time~ it’s on my side. Yes, it is.” Well it’s not. That song is a LIE. Some people will tell you that you need to manage your time better and make lists or get a planner and write down all the stuff you need to get done. Doesn’t work. It might work the first day or even the first week. Then you’ll leave the list at home and forget all about it.

 I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that I know some great asian secret of time management. Life is what it is. “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” What about discipline and self-control? Great if you have it. I lack both of them in in varying degrees. But it’s ok. You do what you can. Go ahead and make your plans. Give yourself a goal. If you achieve it, great. If you don’t, try again or give up. There are lots of other things to do.

I’ve been in Japan nearly two years. I set a goal. I was going to stay in Japan until I passed level one of the Japanese Language Proficiency Test. I worked at Nova. The company went bankrupt and I was left in the lurch. I found a job as an ALT. I studied for level two and I passed. My contract ran out and I tried to find a more fullfilling job.

Didn’t happen.

 Wasn’t my time. Maybe I made bad choices. It’s possible. I found something to help pay the rent. I have plenty of time to study, but no desire to study now. I registered for the level one test and cracked the books for a little while. I wanted to be a translater, but now I don’t. I want to write books and draw and paint. I will take the level one test, but I’m not going to stress myself. I will leave Japan. I have to return to the real world.

That’s how most people feel when they come to live in Japan. This is just a short absense from reality. Nothing I do here will make a difference in my real life. Most employers won’t know what to say about my time in Japan unless they have some connection to Japan. When I go back home my friends will still be there. Nobody will have had a sex change or become even moderately famous. It will be business as usual. I feel like I failed. I was supposed to have made a career for myself in Japan. I was supposed to have a nice apartment and a great job using japanese all lined up before I went home. It didn’t happen that way. Now I have to go back to my loving family and try to make something of myself when I go home this December.